While driving home from work by way of the kids’ day cares, I realized in all the things I never thought I’d need to learn, opening a red juice with a tiny straw while driving down a stop-and-go street and wearing white pants did not even rank.
Sure, I knew I’d learn to diaper a squirming baby in the dark, one handed, after forgetting to put on my glasses, but here are ten other things I never realized I’d have to learn.
Thing 1: How to cut a cookie in half to the nearest millimeter with a plastic spoon.
Thing 2: How to cut food into bite size pieces while simultaneously nursing an infant.
Thing 3: That the tooth fairy sometimes leaves twenties because she didn’t know a tooth was coming out or else she wouldn’t have used the last of her change and small bills on the parking meter and a vending machine Diet Coke.
Thing 4: How to measure out .5 milliliters of cold medicine in the dark while a crying child kicks it out of your hand.
Thing 5: That cold chicken nuggets and French fries pair beautifully with a $5 white wine.
Thing 6: How to wipe a runny nose with the bottom of one’s T-shirt without gagging.
Thing 7: Where gum goes when it’s swallowed.
Thing 8: That there’s always a monster in the dark and logic won’t displace it.
Thing 9: How to put on one’s make up in less than three minutes while explaining why kids make fun of other kids to a second grader who confesses he doesn’t want to go to school five minutes before the family needs to leave the house.
Thing 10: How to make a presentable class snack from five tangerines, three slices of pineapple, four cookies, and a left over blueberry muffin when informed of said class snack responsibility in those two minutes after explaining mean kids.
What about you? What have you learned to do as mom?
