There is something about Facebook that inspires people to share the most ridiculous things ever. Parents are the worst. They’re guilty of the kind of sharing that’s most definitely not caring. The kind of sharing that could cause their kids to be bullied later in life (things on the Internet never die, you know). The kind of sharing that should never be done ever, especially when it involves these things:
1. Poop
Whether it’s your kid’s first poop, most interesting poop, or most surprising poop (“He pooped a million dollars in gold coins!”), do not post about your kid going #2 on Facebook. And under no circumstances should you post a photo. Don’t post a photo showing how they pooped in the tub. Don’t photograph your kid’s poop with your finger next to it for scale. Just steer clear of all things poo. If you’re that proud of it, take a photo and put it in your kid’s (private) baby book.
2. Baby boners
I have seen a mom complain on Facebook about how grossed out she is by her baby boy’s erections. This annoys me for two reasons: 1. It is WAY over-sharing. 2. It’s normal and he can’t help it. So, don’t shame him to 400 of your “closest” Facebook friends. If you’re concerned, call his pediatrician. (And no — bragging about your baby’s boners isn’t any better.) You should also refrain from posting about your baby’s penis size and whether he’s circumcised. The bottom line: Keep everything about your son’s privates …private.
3. Delivery room details
You should never EVER post a status update about how effaced or dilated you are, your placenta, your umbilical cord, or your bloody show. And please do not post a full-frontal delivery shot. I didn’t want to look in a hand mirror when I was giving birth, so I sure as sh*t don’t want to see your vagina during delivery. And just for good measure, no blood- or goo-covered baby photos either. Nobody wants to see or read about any of that.
4. Period news
Don’t share that your daughter just got her period — or anything related to puberty (so yes, bra shopping is off limits too). Would you have wanted your mom to announce your period to hundreds of people? I didn’t think so.
5. Bad behavior
If your child is older than 4, talking about how he misbehaves is no longer cute, funny, or acceptable. Complaining, name calling, or shaming your kid on Facebook is not OK. Don’t talk about how he acted like a brat, don’t share how he isn’t responding to your style of discipline, and don’t shame him for getting into trouble at school or at home. Deal with these issues privately. Seek help if you need it.
6. TTC TMI
You’re ready for baby #2 (or 3 or 4)? Well, I’m excited for you. I’m happy you’re getting laid. But the world doesn’t need to hear about your frequent sex, your sex positions, or anything else about the baby-making process. Remember, sometimes it takes a long time to conceive (even if your first time was fast). So by announcing to the world that you’re trying to get pregnant, you’re opening the door to lots of people asking “Are you pregnant yet?” and “What’s taking so long?” Which will get really irritating — but hey, you asked for it.
7. Naked photos
This should really go without saying, but tons of parents do it, so here goes: Don’t post naked photos of your kid. There are creeps on the Internet, y’all. Even if you share your photo “privately,” you have no control what other people do with it (ie. Grandma who can’t work Facebook and accidentally shares that sweet photo of your baby’s butt publicly).
Learn from these mistakes, people. And, please, stop embarrassing your children (and yourselves) on the Internet!
