I did not expect to find so many boobs in the produce aisle of my local grocery store. Yet there I was, dashing through to grab the basics in the tiny window of opportunity I had before school pick-up, when I plucked a common vegetable out of a bin and thought, Hey—this feels very familiar.
I don’t know about you, but my boobs have gone through many stages since they first sprouted. But the biggest changes happened from the point when I first became pregnant, and they’ve kept morphing ever since! Whether they were strapped down in a sports bra or feeding one of my kids, they’ve had a mind of their own, changing size, shape, and consistency, but always comparable to some organic thing in the produce aisle. Here are just some of the fruits and veggies you might have discovered in your own bra since becoming a mom, too.
Illustrations by Alex Rivera and Alex Tostado
Which Mom Boobs Do You Have?
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Honeydews
Congratulations—you’re pregnant! Enjoy your perfectly pert, silky smooth (but seriously sore) melons while they last.
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Watermelons
How exciting—you’ve just had a baby! Your milk has come in and now your teats are impressively enormous, kind of stripy, and rather difficult to wrangle without assistance.
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Head Of Broccoli
Looks like someone has mastitis! Lumpy and bumpy and oh-so-tender, we all know the signs of a feverish funbag.
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A Prune and an Apple
Okay, so you remember your ta-tas being slightly different sizes, but it’s 20 years later and now you’re fairly certain you somehow accidentally got half of someone else’s pair. (Or pear.)
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Strawberries
Or—more accurately—a strawberry at the bottom of one of those plastic produce bags, just all swingy and stuff, permanently pointing south. Thanks, kids!
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Avocados
They were absolutely delicious for a very short window, then deflated into wilted pillows of wrinkled flop. (I'm pretty sure this is why bikini-top selfies were invented.)
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Grape Tomatoes
Itty bitty and never changing, no matter what your body has gone through. So dependable!
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Pumpkins
They still have some heft to them, but the process of shoving them into a bra gives them multiple mammary muffin tops. Mmm...pumpkin spice muffins...
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Bananas
When you had hoped to grow up long and lean, this isn’t quite what you meant.
