I’m stuck inside my van in the parking lot. I have my list in hand of things I want to buy. The rush of shoppers passing in and out of the store is overwhelming. I knew this could become an issue. I have prepared for this moment before leaving the house. However, I can’t open the door and get out. What am I to do? Fail at another moment because of my mental illness? It’s the holidays. I don’t want to buy everything online. I want to experience the thrill of browsing the aisles and finding the perfect present that wasn’t on my list. But, here I am, immobilized with the anxiety of the chaos.
My mental illness wins a lot of battles. I struggle with Agoraphobia, which is an irrational fear of going into crowded places, leaving your home, or feeling trapped in an area. The Agoraphobia I have alters depending on the situations. In the beginning, it was the fear of leaving my home that caused an immense amount of anxiety because of the unknowns that I couldn’t control. However, with treatment and medication, I’m able to leave my house, but crowds have a way of tearing down years of progress. In places with a lot of foot traffic, I can become very agitated. My stomach starts to ache. I begin to sweat. My senses are heightened, and I become irritable. If I do not remove myself from the crowd, relatively quick, I will suffer a panic attack.
During the year, shopping is manageable, whether it is for groceries, clothes, birthday presents, etc. If I begin to feel overwhelmed, I will go to another part of a store that is less crowded or step outside. Not during the holidays. Shoppers are manic. They bring another level of chaos, and there’s no joy in the stores. They lose a sense of awareness and politeness. They are the epitome of the opposite of the holiday spirit.
The magic of the holidays doesn’t cure mental illness. We continue to suffer from our struggles. And, more than likely, due to the pressure and demands of the holidays, our battle is intensified. Throughout this time of the year, there are strategies that I put into place to care for my mental health.
Prepare
Before heading to a store, I prep a list and plan for the trip. Organizing is a great tool to use to help calm an anxious mind. By having a list in hand, you are eliminating the guesswork and the uncertainty. It is a tangible item that allows your mind to focus instead of processing too much information in a chaotic situation causing sensory overload.
Identify Triggers
The trigger for my Agoraphobia is crowding. If I am planning a trip to the store, I avoid going during busier times. This might seem impossible during the holidays, but it isn’t … all the time. Typically, it is best to go in the morning or early afternoon before school lets out. Try to avoid peak shopping times, such as late afternoons and evenings.
Plan for Triggers and Attacks
If your family is like mine, family time is reserved for the weekends, which means venturing out during the most chaotic times. For these moments, plan for the triggers. Asses the areas to see where you can step away into a calmer space or sit in the car to regain peace. Step outside and breathe in the fresh air. Go to a quieter shop, such as a bookstore.
Use your medication. While under the care of a medical profession, I have access to anti-anxiety medication. This can be taken to prevent anxiety attacks or to stop them. Depending on my level of anxiety before the outing, I will take my medication ahead, or I have it on hand to use to stop an attack.
Remove the Trigger
There are times when planning and prepping aren’t enough to avert an attack or heightened anxiety. It’s important to remember that if everything becomes too much, step away and remove yourself from the situation. It may seem that mental illness has won another battle, but that’s not true. It’s critical for your mental health to be aware of what the mind and body are saying. If everything in your body is saying, getaway, do that.
Holidays are meant to be glorious. A time filled with laughter and unforgettable memories. Often times, it’s hidden away due to the overwhelming chaos of expectations. Add a mental illness into the situation, and one can feel wholly engulfed in sadness, anxiety, and loneliness. It can be hard to function. But, remember, you’re doing a good job, even if you must step away and reevaluate the situation. By listening to your mind, you’re doing the best thing possible.
