Did your child self-wean? When did he start on solids?
Laura: It’s funny. I understand why these ideas are connected, but self-weaning and starting on solids feel like totally separate concepts in my head, in part because nursing past a year involved a lot of comfort nursing that wasn’t about sustenance at all.
I succumbed to pressure to feed Isaac solids at around 5 ½ months because everyone told me it would get him to sleep through the night. It didn’t. But he was showing a lot of signs of readiness and was only about two weeks sooner than I would have tried otherwise. He’s an adventurous eater and we never had much trouble getting him to try new foods or eat a healthy diet.
Regarding self-weaning, he did self-wean and was about 2 ½ when he gave up nursing altogether. In many ways that feel similar to leading Isaac towards independent sleep, weaning was mostly led by him, with a few nudges from me during what I perceived to be windows of readiness (or necessity). By the time Isaac was 2, he was eating three regular meals and two snacks a day and nursing was almost exclusively for comfort at naps or bedtime, with the occasional nurse when he was exceptionally upset or hadn’t seen me for a while. Sometime before then, I remember pushing that we no longer nursed when we were out and about. Eventually nursing at naptime no longer got him to sleep and became something that he would forget about sometimes, so I nudged a bit and we dropped that nursing session as well. I got pregnant again when Isaac was 2 ½ and breastfeeding in the early weeks was incredibly uncomfortable. We had gotten to a stage where we were following the “don’t offer, don’t refuse” weaning strategy and he had forgotten for several nights in a row. At this point, I gently suggested there might not be any more milk and we were pretty much done. Isaac does know that when the new baby comes, mommy will make milk again, and he’s pretty excited to get to have some. I’m not sure he’ll actually want any or start nursing again when the opportunity becomes available, but I’d be open to tandem nursing if it was working out for everyone.
Before Isaac self-weaned, did you practice night weaning?
Laura: We night-weaned Isaac when he was around 20 months old. This was a hard decision for me because our nursing relationship was such a central part of our connection at the time, and I didn’t want to interfere with that. But, it was also clear that he was nursing out of habit and keeping himself (and me) up all night. I was spending most of the night trying to negotiate with him to wait longer and he was spending most of the night frustrated with me. Everyone in the house was getting crabby and exhausted.
I spent a fair amount of time reading various resources on night-weaning and ended up settling on a strategy that involved using a light to signal when it was okay to nurse. A lot of moms use sunrise as an external cue and teach their toddler that mommy milk is for morning. I chose a toddler light (there are lights you can set to turn on or change color at a certain time of day which are intended to tell your child when it’s okay to get out of bed). I initially had a fantasy that I’d be able to set it to change colors a few hours after he usually wanted to nurse for the first time and could get him to gradually sleep longer stretches. This seemed gentler to me than suddenly not offering milk at night. However, instead of seeing that the light was still yellow and peacefully going back to sleep, my tenacious little man would sit up next to me in bed for hours, staring at the clock until it turned green and then dive at my chest. So, I ended up just having the light turn green in the morning and teaching him that nighttime was for sleeping. We had three angry nights before he accepted the new reality, but I was glad to have an external object he could focus his frustration on (the light) while his dad and I could both be available to soothe him. I should say, he absolutely did not suddenly start sleeping through the night, but he did learn to be soothed by a pat on the back or a snuggle, and we all started getting better sleep.
What are your thoughts on babywearing? How do you resolve this as Baby gets older?
Laura: Both my husband and I much preferred babywearing to strollers. It was easy, we felt closer to the baby and we hated having to have a giant contraption with us wherever we went. The first time I felt the need for a stroller was on a long walk in the summer when holding the baby that close was simply too hot for both the baby and myself. I showed up at a playdate and both of us were drenched in sweat. This was especially unfortunate because I was trying to make new friends and wanted to look cute.
As Isaac got older, we used the stroller more for longer walks, but in general preferred a carrier of some sort for similar reasons. We just thought it was annoying to have a stroller with us and found it easier to talk to Isaac or keep him calm in stimulating environments. I used to have a routine of walking with him to the grocery store while he rode in the stroller. Then, when we got to the store, he’d go in the Ergo and we’d shop together, having funny conversations. I’d carry him home on my back with the groceries in the stroller. People would see us and tell me he was getting too big to be carried like that, but as he got bigger, I got stronger and I still felt comfortable doing it. When my pregnant belly got too big for any kind of baby wearing, we had to give it up but he still likes getting a ride on my husband’s shoulders.
What attachment parenting resources do you use?
Laura:When we were first getting our parenting sea legs, I often referred to websites like:
• Ask Dr. Sears; the website of the AP guru, Dr. Bill Sears
• Kelly Mom; a great breastfeeding resource with an AP bent
• Attachment Parenting; the Attachment Parenting International’s website
• La Leche League; a support site for breastfeeding parents
My husband and I both read Attached at the Heart, by Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker, the founders of API.
However, the resources that I depended on most and continue to find most helpful is the community of like-minded parents that we have made. In my neighborhood, there is a local parenting forum with an AP subgroup and meeting other AP parents to compare notes with has been invaluable. I’ve made a few close AP friends and we’ve leaned on each other a lot to get through and work out nursing and sleeping issues. I have found that co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding are far enough away from mainstream parenting that mainstream parenting resources cease to be helpful. It also becomes challenging to compare your baby’s behavior to your friend’s baby who is being reared with a different style, so having a cohort of parents who are using similar strategies is key to getting ideas, problem solving, and finding out what’s typical.
Did you encounter any resistance or snide comments from family and friends?
Laura: Most of our friends and family have been relatively supportive or curious about our parenting strategies (or at least quietly judgmental . . . “He still sleeps with you? Oh.” (Insert silently judgmental look.)
I do think that our parenting style made it a little difficult for the grandparent generation who expected to be able to be more hands on with Isaac when he was a baby. Exclusive breastfeeding meant that others couldn’t really give the baby a bottle or put him down for a nap. This also made it hard for us to leave Isaac for an extended time with a babysitter. We had the impression that grandparents were disappointed when they couldn’t do more or spend more alone time with him when he was small. I also remember feeling pushed to leave him sooner and longer than I felt like he or I were ready for. As a first time mom, I was especially sensitive to judgment about what I was doing. My perception of their disappointment, mixed with my own people-pleasing instincts, created what felt like a lot of tension at the time. This eased a lot when Isaac was around two and he began to get more excited about grandparent time.
Do you think attachment parenting is possible when both parents work?
Laura: Yes, of course. I think a lot of parents practice aspects of AP without necessarily calling it that. AP isn’t a strict set of rules, but more of a philosophy that comes with a series of strategies. While many parents who lean towards AP try to arrange schedules so that they can stay home, or work part time, this is obviously not possible or desirable for everyone.
AP is more about how I relate to my child when I am with him. Instead of trying to teach my infant to adjust to my adult world, AP helped me to learn my baby’s rhythm and language. At the core, AP involves trusting that my baby is designed to communicate his needs to me and that I am perfectly capable of understanding and responding to him. AP honors the fact that this relationship between baby and parent is the first relationship of his little life, setting the tone for what he expects from the world as he grows. In my view, anyone whose views on parenting are similar is probably practicing some version of attachment parenting and can find some use from the strategies that AP offers.
Does your child have a significantly closer relationship with you (the stay-at-home parent) than with your husband (the working parent)? How can you equalize this?
Laura: When Isaac was a baby, he definitely preferred me if he was tired, hungry or overwhelmed. I’m not sure how much of that was because I was the stay-at-home parent or because I was breastfeeding (or maybe just because I am his mama). Regardless, this was, at times, exhausting for me and disheartening for my husband. We fell into a rhythm though, that allowed for some balance between the three of us. One thing I did was send a lot of emails to my husband throughout the day to keep him up to speed on Isaac’s mood, patterns and new developments. This helped him be prepared to, more or less, take over being the primary parent once he got home from work. I’d get a break while Isaac and his dad got some time to do special “daddy” things like walk the dog or play games.
We’ve both found it important to recognize that Isaac’s intense preference for me was both understandable and temporary. As my husband so sweetly puts it, “You’re soft and you smell nice. That’s what I’d want if I were a baby.” Isaac is three now and he and his dad have a very intimate and lovely relationship. Among other things, my husband is finally able to put him to bed at night. I think the AP practices of baby-wearing and bed-sharing have helped them build their bond. Plus, my husband is just a really great dad.
