Nothing could possibly be more fun than combining the two most magical experiences: pregnancy and a theme park. Both are full of adventure—and ice cream—so what’s not to love? Alas, there are a few brave souls out there that will ultimately find themselves both pregnant and headed to a theme park. I’ve been there, and the experience was memorable, to say the least.
If you’ve found yourself in this (sweaty, underboob-sweat filled) situation, I know you can relate to this list. If you’ve yet to join the club but a theme park vacation is in your near future, then pack your most comfortable shoes and get ready for a trip that your loved ones won’t soon forget (mostly because you’ll remind them over and over about how generous it was of you to agree to a park vacay while growing a human inside of you).
Here are 21 things only those of us who have been to a theme park pregnant know:
1. That if there is no FastPass on your wrist to prevent you from having to stand in long lines for the attractions, you’re not going nope not gonna happen.
2. You will have the park’s app loaded on your phone before you even leave the hotel for the sole purpose of knowing in advance where all the bathrooms are.
3. You’ll then use every single toilet in the entire park. Twice.
4. That the more pregnant you are, the more your current youngest child will “need” to be carried by you and ONLY YOU NOT DADDY HE DOESN’T DO IT RIGHT, MAMA.
5. That you’ll will have many dark thoughts about underboob sweat.
6. You’ll have much glorious, swooning praise for ice cream.
7. Nobody is going to argue with you about your need to stop at a snack bar every fifteen minutes. NOBODY.
8. You have zero moral issues with using your bountiful bump to get yourself to the front of those snack bar lines.
9. That it only takes a second to shift from happily strolling along with your family to you deciding this was the worst decision you have ever made, all because you stepped in gum.
10. Promptly after declaring this the worst decision you have ever made, your kid will meet a character in costume, making you ugly-cry with joy while declaring this to be the best day of your life.
11. Thirty-three percent of your visit will be spent under the misters and standing really really close to anything that splashes water in your general direction.
12. You’ll refer to an online thesaurus at some point to explain to your family exactly how hot you are.
13. It is vitally important “for the kids” to get a long midday nap. If “the kids” don’t get a nap? THE AFTERNOON WILL GET VERY UGLY VERY FAST.
14. Your favorite attraction the second half of your visit there will be the shady benches.
15. Just because you’re growing another human in you doesn’t mean you won’t end up carrying everybody’s everything all day, as usual.
16. You will feel overwhelming gratefulness for this unborn child who prevents you from having join your kids on those ridiculously dizzying spinning rides.
17. At some point you will genuinely consider asking your husband to rent a double stroller to push you in
18. …and your husband will genuinely be afraid to say no.
19. Well-meaning, sweaty strangers will likely try to touch your belly. It’s illegal to smack them in the head with your misting fan. (Saying, “No, thanks” with a smile and throwing one of your kids in front of you as a distraction is the best way to deal with that.)
20. By the end of the day, each of your ankles will be wider than your neck.
21. As you pack the last of your sunblock-, ice cream-, ketchup-stained tank tops before heading to the airport, you’ll smile and be so glad you came (underboob sweat and all).
Graphic by Kim Bongiorno
