Considering that most of us have had at least one kid earnestly request we find a way to make water less wet, swim lessons can be an interesting endeavor. They are important for our kids to take, both so they feel safer in the water and to add a refreshing activity to their summer fun repertoire, so we all sign our kids up, eventually. Every mom knows walking into each lesson that it could end with towel-wrapped tears before they even begin, or squealing wet hugs of success after an hour of giggles, and prepare ourselves for everything in between. We also know that …
1. Super cool new goggles are a surefire way to persuade a kid to change his mind about taking swim lessons.
2. However, 54 percent of every class is then spent adjusting those super cool new goggles.
3. For some strange reason, swim teachers frown upon your kids entering the pool via cannonball.
4. They also frown upon your kids climbing out to have you dry their eyes every six minutes.
5. Your kid will go her entire life never pooping between 4 and 5 p.m. until you book her very expensive private swim lessons for that time.
6. You unknowingly announce your arrival to class each week by fruitlessly reminding your kids, “NO RUNNING” as you enter the echo chamber/pool area.
7. Nothing makes a kid more excited than the day she realizes she can hold her face under water and blow bubbles. Be ready to Facetime every living relative so she can show off this amazing skill!
8. It takes all the strength you have to hold back tears as you see your kid getting braver by the minute.
9. Your kid will never announce the discovery of a particularly warm spot in the pool by using his indoor voice.
10. You don’t think you need to wear a swimsuit while sitting through these lessons, but unless you’ve packed a raincoat, you’re oh-so-very wrong.
11. Every kid is confident that they are the one human on earth incapable of floating, until they can, and then they spend every bath from then on practicing their flawless technique.
12. You will buy an assortment of new, sporty swimsuits for the classes but your kids will insist on wearing the same old threadbare suit for every single class.
13. She’ll also wear her rattiest water shoes, because she’ll insist that the $50 pair she just had to have please mommy please pinch her feet, even though she hasn’t worn them once.
14. You can carry the same book in the swim bag to every lesson each of your kids has for the duration of their childhoods and still never read more than two pages of it.
15. It does not matter whether or not you have a pool at home: You WILL own a pool noodle once your kid learns to ride one like a horse.
16. You will be instructed no less than 700x per class to “Watch THIS, Mama!”
17. Your kid believes splashing is the funniest activity ever created in the history of the universe unless someone accidentally splashes her.
18. Every class begins with you begging your kid to get into the water.
19. Every class ends with you begging your kid to get out of the water.
20. The way your kids collapse into bed at night after their lessons makes it worth every penny.
21. I mean, the smiles on their faces as they learn to swim makes it worth every penny. (But mostly how it makes bedtime easier.) (Just kidding!) (No, I’m not.)
