30 Baby Names You Should Never Give Your Kid

In general, I’m not one to judge baby names. I live in Brooklyn, where I bump into a Zoeth, Paisley, or Swan at the playground pretty much every day. To be honest, my kids have pretty unique middle names, too (but that’s a story for another time). Picking a name for your child is an intensely personal form of expression, and after carrying those suckers around in our bellies for nine months, we have the right to choose whatever name we want — from serious, to spiritual, to downright silly.

So, yeah, I’m pretty shock-proof when it comes to unusual baby names, but I’ll admit that the weird-kid-name trend can be a bit much. On the celebrity front, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West pretty much win the wacky baby names award, with daughter North West and son Saint. But it gets weirder. Much. Weirder. After Googling a few things like, “unusual baby names” and “weird kid names,” I came across the weirdest of the weird baby names. Or, at least, I though they were weird. Maybe you named your daughter Dorcas. If so, please explain in the comments!

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Names You Should Never Give Your Kid

These are real names given to real kids.

Banjo

Even if actress Rachel Griffiths was thinking “Rainbow Connection,” when I first heard the name my mind went straight to that banjo-strummin’ Appalachian ditty from “Deliverance.” Not good.
Blanket

Okay, so technically his name is Prince Michael II, but since his big brother is already named Prince Michael (yeah, super creative, MJ), Blanket seems to have stuck. Hey, at least it's the coziest name ever?
Cougar

This one seems to have cropped up in recent years as a boy's name. Hey, at least parents have the decency to only name male children Cougar. I pity the 45-year-old woman with that name.
Dorcas

For reals. It’s an old Greek name, meaning gazelle. But seriously, who wants their kid’s nickname to be Dork?
Draper

Somebody watched a little too much "Mad Men."Hopefully the new round of Don Jrs won’t be alcoholic womanizers!
Jermajesty

Turn your child’s name into royalty (like Jermaine Jackson did) with this simple twist: Add the first few letters of your name to the word majesty. Go ahead, try it. I dare you.
Kal El

It’s kind of a huge responsibility to give your son Superman's Krypton name. I mean, what if the kid can't fly? Huge let down!
Moroccan

Not Morocco, even, but Moroccan. That's right, Mariah Carey named one of her twins after the "Moroccan Room" decor in apartment. Uh, just, no.
Nemesis

I had a cab driver once who told me his daughter’s name was Nemesis. Guess that kid’s not hoping for a lot of close friends.
Renesmee

Whether or not you think Twilight is stupid, the name Renesmee (a combo of Rene and Esmee which are Bella and Edward’s mothers names), definitely is stupid.
Rumer

Though spelled with an "e" not an "o," this name basically implies that your kid is a story that probably isn’t true. Not a good start to life.
Saint

At least Kim Kardashian and Kanye West didn’t name their second born South, as some predicted. “"I don't like South West, though, because that's like, you know, North will always, you know, be better and be more...she has a better direction," Kim told NPR. "I mean, everyone keeps on saying South and I think it's so stupid. Stupidest thing ever and just ridiculous."

Unlike Saint.
Satchel

Who wants to be named after a book bag? Not Mia Farrow’s son, apparently, who opted to ditch his first name and go by his middle name, Ronan.
Swayze

I mean, I liked Dirty Dancing as much as the next gal, but let’s keep Swayze in the corner, shall we?
Zzyzx

Not only is this name impossible to pronounce, but it’s also the name of a teeny tiny town in California. (On the plus side, the town was previously called Camp Soda, so maybe Zzyzx is an improvement?)
Duda

This is a real name, and I bet if your Czech or Polish it's an awesome one, but around these parts? Pretty sure this poor kid is going to get nicknamed "doo-doo."
Freak

Unless you were super into this mid-90s dance craze (which may be the case, as this name was most popular in 1995), there is no reason to name your child Freak. I mean, are we going to start hearing Stanky Leg and Twerk around the playground too?!
Pippin

I'll admit it, I like musicals, but isn't Pippin about a dude who kills his own father? Um, yeah. But hey, why stop there? Take it one step further and name your kid Oedipus!
Cayenne

I know it sounds exotic, but maybe don't name your kid after a pepper that makes your mouth burn.
Butt

In 2010, three people named their kid Butt. Who the hell are these people?!
Madonna

Madonna is a tricky one. First and foremost, there can be only one Madonna. Secondly, the Italian name means "my lady", and is used to signify Virgin Mary or art depicting her as a mother. So ... it's kinda like you're naming your baby Mother?
Hitler

Real guy named his real kid Adolf Hitler. Really.
Beyonce

Considering this name was created from her mother's maiden name, Biyence, it's stands to reason that the one and only Bey should be the only one with this name.
Chevy

Sure, there's Chevy Chase, but come on. This is a real clunker of a kid's name.
Xanax

Your kid will need some if you give her this name.
Barack

Talk about putting pressure on your kid!
Hurricane

Here's an idea, maybe don't name your child after a natural disaster that is known to cause death and irreparable damage without warning.
Jicama

In addition to being a fairly mild root vegetable, what are the odds at least some people are going to pronounce this name wrong?
Superman

Much like Kal-El, you are imposing a lot upon your child by naming him Superman. But maybe that's okay -- assuming the kid looks good in red and blue spandex.
Ajax

Even if you can manage, briefly, not to think about the household cleaner, this Greek mythology name refers to Ajax Telamon, a brave warrior who killed himself in a fit of jealousy when he didn't get what he wanted. Great role model for toddlers.